Well it’s Saturday and Joy is off to a breakfast at a church where she is speaking on health. I chose NOT to go because I am not ready to sit through a church breakfast. I don’t think I am ready to deal with being around food in a confined area. I am sure that it will do lots of weird things to my mental realm. I know that it would make me extremely irritable because I would want to eat the food and wouldn’t be able to do it. I am experiencing some problems right now with wanting to eat. I am finding myself nibbling on anything that I can find that is in the acceptable realm. Perhaps it is just because I am bored. I really don’t have anything to do except stay to myself for sanity sake. I just can’t allow myself to get caught up in the realm of chaos. I’m sure there are things that I could be doing like rehearsing my songs, writing my story, preparing press releases, working on writing songs; however, these things are just not appealing to me right now and I don’t know why.

I did get a paper from Missy/Russell this morning that needed to be done and I did it. I got right on it maybe because someone was depending on me. Why can’t I do things like that for my own self? Is it because I don’t think that I am a good enough priority or is it because I have just been this way for so long that I am having a hard time breaking out of the mold. I should be reading my bible and praying for the situations that I see and I’m not doing that either. I just want to lay down, close my eyes and go to sleep. Why? Why can’t I make myself do something? I want to live and enjoy life. How can I make this happen? Is it just because I am still so overweight that I just don’t feel the energy? Please God, help me answer these questions. Help me overcome these perceived negatives in my life.

Also, today is Mother’s Day weekend and I do miss my mom. This journey is particularly hard because I miss her so much. Every time I have another victory or have conquered another issue I just want to call her and tell her. She used to act so excited at all my silly little issues. We used to laugh together at just the smallest things. I miss that so much. She was not only my mother but in the later years she became my friend. I love her so much and I miss her terribly. Sometimes I feel so all alone in the world. It feels as if there is no one who has that unconditional love like a mother does. I know that I have lots of love and support from friends and relatives; however, it’s just not the same. Oh well, I guess I need to stop whimpering because the situation can’t change I just need to get on with it, life, that is.

I decided to clean the bedroom so I stripped the bed and washed the sheets and I even rotated the mattress. Then I got the vacuum cleaner out and vacuumed the whole bedroom. I moved all of my stuff and made it a little neater looking. I put my suitcases together in one and just basically got the room in order since so many people go through here to get weighed and all. If I am going to preach organization then I must be an example of what I am trying to teach. Right?! Then after all that I decided to dust and I’m not just talking dusting off the top of things I mean that I really dusted the tops sides and bottoms of the furniture. I was really pleased with myself because I actually worked up a sweat.

Joy had a class to teach at a health food store. When we got to the event she realized that she had forgotten the grater so she sent me up to the dollar store and then the grocery store to buy a grater. That was exercise because I had to walk a little ways to go to the store. Mind you I calculate every little distance that I have to walk because I wasn’t doing it before. Anyhow I got the grater and went back to the place where the class was being taught. It actually turned out to be quite enjoyable. I had an opportunity to share my testimony and it seemed to be a blessing to a lot of people. I Praise God for that. Many of the people had questions as to how I was feeling and how I was doing with the tremendous weight loss in such a short amount of time. I spoke with a couple of ladies and was sure to give out my email address. I truly want to be an inspiration and an encourager to my fellow weight loss buddies. When almost everyone was gone I had the opportunity to speak with a girl that had a Michigan State sweatshirt on. She shared with me how she was truly blessed by my testimony. She said that she was moved to tears except she knew that if she started crying that she wouldn’t stop. I felt so blessed to be able to touch her life for the positive. She said that she knew if I could lose 95 pounds with so much to still get off that she could certainly press through to lose the extra 50 that she is battling to get off. That really encouraged me that I was on the right path to help and encourage people. I felt truly blessed by God for the opportunity to be there and share the good work He has done and is doing.

Well off to bed I go. Thank you Jesus for this day and thank you for all of your many blessings.